Anxiety or Confusion.

Fear is the single greatest force which separates man from that which is divine.

I push forward with this post against my best instincts. It has been a long time since my last post, and the reason is fear. I'm afraid I won't be eloquent enough for you. I'm afraid my wit will fall short and you won't be impressed. I'm afraid you will, upon seeing my weaknesses, offer words of encouragement and practical help. To say I don't want them is my fear speaking. It's harder and harder to tell who's speaking. It's harder and harder to tell who's the captain of this boat; me or fear?

I have tentatively self-diagnosed myself with an anxiety disorder, triggered by multiple traumatic events. Maybe it's as easily summed up as post-traumatic-stress disorder, I'm not a professional. I am a sufferer. I don't feel as though I can say I'm a survivor.

Right now and for as long as I can remember, there has been something in my mind which haunts me. Whenever there is a task put to me that might bring me the least bit of reward, I am paralyzed and unable to move forward and finish the task. Any task. It's gotten to where I'm afraid to shower. I'm afraid to brush my teeth. I'm afraid to do laundry or exercise. I'm afraid to cook dinner or clean the house. When I'm alone I'm afraid someone will find me and when I'm not alone I'm afraid someone will see me or engage me in some way, and I'm afraid I won't be able to find privacy again.

I first remember the fear when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. I remember having use of a desk in my mother's bedroom where I could do my homework. But I couldn't do my homework. It's not that I didn't understand the curriculum, because it was simple to me. It's not that I didn't have pen or paper, I had plenty of supplies. It wasn't that I felt tired or anything rational. I can remember staring at the worksheet, a worksheet that should have taken me 5-10 minutes to complete. I stared at that worksheet for hours. I could not bring myself to finish it. I don't know why. I remember how I felt. My heart raced like it was trying to leave my chest. My head spun with thoughts of anything; escape, deceit, anything but actually doing my schoolwork.
I remember my sisters and my mother coming in to check on me; ask me how I was doing. I wasn't doing anything. I was staring at the desk in front of me. I was contemplating the texture of the green carpet in the room. I was wishing I could snap my fingers and this damned paper would disappear. I was dreading the inevitable following day in school and wondering how I was going to try to get the teacher to not notice that my homework was incomplete.

It was like yesterday in my mind. Maybe that's because the same thing happened yesterday, or today, or last week. It happens under many different circumstances to many different degrees, but it is all the same. I have the best intentions, but am unable to follow through, and the result is I wind up feeling shame and depression because of my inability to finish the simplest of tasks.

I'm afraid of life. I don't want to be afraid anymore. God, lift this burden off me and allow me to live my life.