It's over.

I feel so alone right now. I need a hug, but you won't. I need you to forgive me for leaving, forgive me for failing, but you won't. I need you, and I believe that you need me, too somewhere deep down, but you're too proud to admit and I cannot tolerate the situation any more.
My sister is coming today to move me away from you, from my home, from the situation. I never meant it to work out this way. I was going to stay until your son graduated, but you called me a "martyr". I was actually acting out of concern for him, for you. You were the one that said we were not "together" anymore, that we were just roomates. You were the one who said we would never work out. You said these things, and at the same time we went out to eat, we slept in the same bed, we shopped together, we cuddled. It's not right to go through the motions. The phrase about a dead horse comes to mind. I was okay to keep kicking, because it was nice. Holding you gave me comfort, gave me pleasure. Holding you was the only time in the last couple years I could forget how much I hate this world, how much I hate myself. Now, I can't hold you anymore. You won't.
Tragic how this whole thing came to a head while we were out for dinner. I know you're afraid right now of your job, of everything. I always asked you to pray for God's Will, not for specific wants or desires. I hope that this is in God's Will. I pray that it is.
It hurt so much to sleep on the couch that I layed next to you on the bed last night, out of exhaustion. I got up because I can never sleep right. When I layed back down next to you a couple hours later, I couldn't help but sob, thinking "this is the last time". I'll never feel the comfort of lying in bed beside you again. I'll never tease you about the "Branch Bunny" in the yard you loved so much.
I'm not even gone and I miss what we had.
I've got so many nice things to say about you. You are kind, you are smart, you dress well, you are considerate to a fault. You take care of your son. You care about the people you are around on a daily basis. You are a really good person. I wish you could see your dark side. That's why I'm leaving, because you can't, you refuse. I love you so much.
I hope this is the right thing to do. The decision is made. I hope you find someone who lives up to everything you wanted and needed from me. I wish you heaven. I hope you move to D.C. so you don't have to think of me every time you open your eyes. I'm so sorry I brought you here. You were doing just fine without me, before me. And now, what a mess.
I am bawling now, trying to hold back my sobs. I need you to hug me. I need to tell you it will all be alright. I need you to call me your baby. I need you to call me "Ding". You won't. When I really need you emotionally, you never do. You can't. That's why I'm leaving.
I can't endure your defense mechanisms anymore, they cut too deeply, come too quickly, come too often. I can't stand this living situation. Maybe it's petty of me to hate your son the way I do, but I do. I'm sorry for that.
This is not your fault. I pray that it's not mine. I feel like I have to make this decision. God help us both. I just know I need things to end. I need things to change, and I hoped that they would, that they had. They won't, and that's why I'm leaving.
I love you so much. This hurts too bad. I hope that one day I'll hear how well you've done since I left. You're the first person I've left. I feel so guilty. I don't want to hurt you. I never have.
So I wait for the cavalry to come and rescue me. Thank God for my sister, for my family. You resent me for them, and I'm sorry you don't have a family like I do. You deserve so much more than life has ever afforded you. I pray that you reap your rewards sooner rather than later. I'm so sorry I can't be one of the rewards.
I love you so much. I don't like that it had to be this way.